Tuesday, November 29, 2011

No I won't

Suicide, drugs, alcohol , a gun,  car accidents?  What would make the pain go away? 

Don't worry about me. I won't do it but the idea that the pain will go away is a nice thought. I want to live to see my son shine. To see him come out of this as a great man. See us as a family again     
To see my daughter shine. To be the best at whatever she chooses. To become a great woman. To one day have grand kids, to see them grow up in a world that is better then this one because "DANM IT" I had a hand in that change. 

I would like to wake up now. I just feel like I keep banging my head on the wall, hoping that the next time I hit head my head it won't hurt, but it does. When will it stop?
I know I have only been in this fight for a short time compares to others.  I can't only imagine the pain and heart ache they feel. Knowing that they have scream and punch more then I have and are just now seeing some change.

When you listen to the news and I found myself confuses as to how I feel about sex offenders. I know that once they get help they are fine. I know that we have bad guys out there and then we have ones that we don't have to worry about. The news is all over this since the Penn state and now we have another Coach who did harm to 3 boys over 10 years ago. Now we haves guy on a plane looking at pictures.

 Now I am not saying that any or all of these guys did what the media said they did. It is just hard for me to hear these stories over and over again. Nothing changing. Not the views of the media or society. But all we are hearing is the worst of the worst it would be nice to hear a story of a young man doing something "normal" but in a sex crimes way, Then get arrest then maybe then society will be shock of this. Maybe the media will then start looking more into this law and how they effect the sex offender and their family.

One thing i wish would happen is before these guys/gals get arrest that they could find help. Just like someone who does drugs. One problem with this is that so many sex offender are falsely accuse.  So that would be hard for someone to go thought a program when you didn't do any thing. I also wish when the law enforcer question the accuse  they would also question the victims.

Now I wrote the above before I found out all the below:

Got a phone call last night from my son saying he was denied his parole because we have Internet in the house.  What makes me so mad is when I talked to his PO a week ago and told him we had Internet not once did he say that was going to be a problem. I try to met his PO on Monday before I knew the out come but he was off on Monday. But was told he would be in the office at 7 am tomorrow.
His dad and I were there this morning at 7. After waiting a few min. We finally got to see him.  He told us he could not change the rules.  Bull shit!!!  Can you tell I'm mad.

After telling him that we could put a password on our computer.
Take the computer out of his room. But a monitor system on our computer that way they could monitor us. He tells me he will talk to his boss.
I even ask him who I could talk to. The parole board. But instead I called A parole fighting lawyer who is know for his parole expert  He was out of his office but told me to give him the details, He told me they could not keep Steven home just because we have Internet.

After the lawyer made some phone calles. We founds out that the rule to the no Internet is not a parole rule but a SOSEN rule ( they are the one who do the sex offender assessment and rules) our new lawyer can't touch them so we are stuck with that rule. Found out that our son will be a level 2. Not what I wish for but not that bad either. Now we have to find a travel trailer or Rv to park on my parents land. If they will let us do that.

More news. My son called again tonight. This time with tear in his voice. He got wrote up again for something he did not do. He won't be able to call us for 15 days or buy anything any extra food. They seem to be everything they can to break him down. I have to make phones calls tomorrow to save his life.

Can I wake up now? PLEASE I BEG YOU!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

5 years, mean 5 years

Yesterday I went around the world and back just with phone calls.  Called Parole..
Me- Need to find out what the Parole board decided on my son"
No clue lady-  "yes it show he made Parole"
Me- I know that allready what else can you tell?
NCL- that its.
DID not tell her this .. But I already knew that!!!!!
Me- so who can I call to find out all the details?
NCL- the prison he is at.

Next call to the prison-
Me, Need to find the results about  my son parole
Guard_ Ok will put you thought
ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring etc..
hung up
15 mins later:
the same think

I did this from 8:30 to 10:30
The next time I called
Me- can I talk to the Warden
G- he is in the deer woods, would you like to talk to the ASS, Warden

Me-  Yes please
Not the Ass, but his clerk. who would not let me talk to the Ass, but gave me another number.

New phone call
Me.. etc..
NICE lady- yes I have them..
me- great, what all can you tell me
 so this is what I found out.  he can't get out this month as he misses the Early kick out date (Gov-Beebe) by 9 days. so the earliest he can get out is February 25 , but it could be later as they have so many coming out.
He does not have to take any programs. Yea!!  not even the one that last a year.
so that is all I learned from her.

I get a call from his parole Officer that is here in town. He starts telling me everything that my son won't be able to do.
He can't date anyone with kids.
He won't be able to have a computer (iphone, Xbox etc) 
He might not be able to work on our computer. ( NNNOOOOOOO) 
He will have to wear the ankle bracelet for 90 days,
Have to report to the Parole Officer twice a month. (which I'm sure will cost us)
He will have to go to consulting twice a week. (that fine, but I'm sure will cost us) 
He won't be able to go back to college to take computer classes.
The neighbors will be notify (but I will let them know before they get the letter)

I started tell him "how do they want my son to live? get a job? better himself"
The way he told me was- "he got 5 years, so if he was behind bar for 5 years he would not be able to do any of this anyway"
If they don't' take his computer away,, but put all this restriction on anyone and that will just make someone want to back and do bad things.
They could even take our computers away from us. But my daughter has to have it for College, my husband sometime works from home, and look at all I do on here.
So when they say not only Sex offender get a punished so does the rest of the family. I knew that part already  and now you maybe can understand it also.
Also found out that the Parole Officer did not know what level he was but with all the restriction they have put on him sounds like a Level 2.  How low can I go? My heart is so broken right now.
Hope and dreams are gone. I don't want to hear how fast 5 years will go by. In those five year is when a young person finish up college, try to get a job, maybe get married and start a family. I know he will be able to do some of that. But then put all these hoop and road block in front of him and see how hard it is. There will be so many people his age that will be so far ahead of him in life.

I can hear you in the background. "well he did do this?
yes he did and should pay.. I get that.. but don't you think 10 months is long enough to pay for what he did.
" NO" you say,
Well then do you know my son? have you met him? Or you just going by what the media tells you? That all Sex Offender can't change. That all of them are bad people. How many Sex offender have you met?
Well then I don't want to hear what you have to say. Unless you have either walk in my shoe or met my son. He and other like him are not bad people, they can change. he was 19 at the time. What did you do at age 19 that you hope no one ever finds out.

That is what I though.

I just want to scream. I knew this part was coming, but you know in the back of your mind you just hope,, You just hope that someone will  see how wrong this is.

I keep saying being in prison was the easy part, Now we are looking at a new set of HELL.

I do have two things cooking on the back burning. I hope they help out.

Something has got to happen and not fast enough for me.

Monday, November 14, 2011

cant sleep

I was laying in bed but could not sleep so now I'm up setting in the living room in the dark. The only light I can see is from my phone.

I'm so worried about the phone call tomorrow. I just know they are going to tell me my son need that damn program which takes a year or they are going to tell me that he can come home soon but they are booked up and it could take a year. Yes I have heard this.

So far I have only gotten good news once and that was when he made parole. But that doesn't seem like much now. So I'm thinking the worst. And why shouldn't I. That is all I have every heard since this whole mess stared.

I would love to go back, where life- the only worried I had was to remember to bring home the milk. Life was easy and I didn't know it.

I have done two things that I hope will bring a good outcome for tomorrow.

One day out geocaching. We went to a cemetery. It gave me the creeps I could feel someone did not want me there. So the other day I went back. Since I knew I felt something there. Someone that I could talk to in the Spirit world. That it might help me. I have learn that slaves were buried there , so I thought they would understand my problem, of someone getting the wrong end of the deal that they didn't deserves. Well if any thing it made me feel better. And no it didn't give me the creeps when I went back.

My family thinks I have lost my mind. Do you blame me? A person/mother can only take so much.

The other thing I did to make sure of a good outcome for tomorrow. I bought a roll of stamps. Not a sheet but a roll. So now I hope they set in my office and it takes me for ever to use them.

I really wish someone would hear me and others cries. I read other blog of where women are in the same boat as me. no one will listen to us. I want to stand on top of the highest MT with a mic in my hand Yelling for some one to listen to us. I hope one day SOON that day will come.

I know I can't take any more of this shit and I know neither can the other mothers and wife. Why why why can't someone listen to us and understand the pain we are in for our loves one. Why is it , the only ones who can see and understand that this law isn't working is the one who are caught up in .why? What do I need to do that I haven't all ready done or the other women haven't done to get you to notice that there need to be a change. This whole thing suck!

Even if my son comes home the hell will not be over. We will just be starting a new set of hell. We are hoping for a level one. But who knows what he will get. Why can't they understand just because a person looks at picture does not mean that person wants to go touch. This whole thing is just a mess.

When I read where a county needs more money.  The best way to get money is to ask for sex offender money to better look after them but what they really do with the money is go after the "war on drugs". I have read this a few times. They will come out and say they will use it on the war against drugs. Sex offender don't give the cops a hard time. The cops don't have to worry about the sex offender. It the one on drugs that the cops spends most of their time on.

Another food for thought. Why don't the FBI go after the porn sites and shut them down? How about it's because they are the ones runner the site to begin with. I hope that ones makes you think.

Well I'm getting tried now. Maybe I can go to sleep. But I have to say my heart goes out to 2 fellow blogger. To Peanut and your mother: I do hope things get better for the both of you soon.
To my mother in Florida: wish I had words for you to make the pain go away for your son and you.
I hate that both of you are in this lossy boat with me.
Love to all

Friday, November 4, 2011

We won

I have always wonder what it would be like to be on a show and win a major prize. Now I don't have to wonder any more. I know what it feel like. its the best feeling in the world. To get a prize you were not excepting but in the back of your mind wishing for. I now know. Its a feeling like no other. Pure JOY. 

I guess I should go into detail just in case someone does not know what I'm talking about. My son had his parole Hearing on Thursday. We were ready to speak, did not know what we were going to say. I was ready to get down on my knees and beg if I had to. But after 5 mins, the One guy (parole board) say you can go home. He has to talk it over with 5 other Board members, but I think what every he says will be what they all agree on.We are not sure when, Early this month,, but no later then February.  We find out on the 15 this month.

I have said before that my son gives out the best hugs. I have never gotten a hug like that one before. It had to be the best one EVER!

We also find out soon what level he is going to be. I can only hope that since the Parole Board seem to have some common sense that the Assessment guy will also, I sure hope he can tell (after 3 1/2 hours he spent with my son) that he is not a threat to society, So again I wish for a level one. We will see if I win another prize.

On a side note, My son can't get home soon enough, my computer is in some real need of work. LOL I was starting to look into hiring someone.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Today was a fun day. It was nice to get my voice out there. Love that we have lots of people call in, really didn't think that many people listen. LOL

Now is when it all comes together. Tomorrow is my son Parole Hearing. I don't know what will happen. This is all new to us. I know we get to say something, What I would love to say is " I know I can't say any thing or do anything to change your minds about the outcome of my son life, but if I could what would you want me to say?"
We have to be at the prison at 8:00 in the morning. So we are spending the night close by. We get to wait with our son as our turns comes up.  We have lots of letter for support. Don't know if it will help but it won't hurt.

Not sure if either one of us will get any sleep tonight.

We won't find out the outcome until when ever they deiced to tell us. Could be by the end of the week, or not until the first part of DEC.

The life of our son is in someone else hands. I hate that part.

I am trying to be strong.  I am going to have to live with the outcome, what ever they say they want my son to do.

I am going to be strong!! I am going to be strong!  This is hard.. but I will be strong. I won't break down, not now when my son needs me the most.